Why Less May Be Best

house real house 232610 l 300x249 Why Less May Be Best
photo by Henkster

I read an article from the Huffington Post this morning in which the author discusses the postmodern dilemma: how we can live in a time in which we have better, easier lives than in any other period in history and yet our society is characterized by a pervasive malaise and sense of meaninglessness. Andrew Z. Cohen has decided that it is almost amoral for us, as a society, to not be happy, considering how fortunate we are. He has taken his show on the road, lecturing to people about this topic and insisting that we be grateful and happy. But he doesn’t recommend how, exactly, we go about this.

It seems to me that pointing out all of the reasons why we should be happy, could actually increase the depression of those who are feeling this sense of meaninglessness. If we have everything that we could possibly want, and we’re still unhappy, there’s really no hope for improvement.

I’ve been thinking that perhaps the cause of our societal malaise is not a lack of gratitude for all that we have, but that, in fact, having so much may actually be the source of our discontent.

You have, undoubtedly, encountered people who have traveled to third world countries and returned with stories about how happy the people there were, in spite of having next to nothing. Studies have shown that, beyond a certain level of essential life requirements (food, shelter, health, etc.) having more doesn’t actually improve quality of life or happiness.

On the other hand, one factor that has been shown to cause dissatisfaction is exposure to others who have a higher standard of living than we do. While the assumption may be that if we had what the others that we are observing had, then we would be happier, in fact, it seems that the real cause of discontent is not lacking the types of things that others have, but the internal, unfavorable comparison of ourselves to them.

I suspect that the same principle may apply to non-material things as well: things such as thoughts, and habits, and time. We have a tendency, in our society, to be extremely busy. We commit to more things that we can reasonably get done and no matter how much we manage to accomplish, we always feel a little bit disappointed that we weren’t able to somehow do more.

Our minds are constantly churning with thoughts and judgments and feelings. When we take time to sit and meditate it can be a tremendous struggle to let go of that inner dialogue even for a few minutes at a time.

We develop behaviors that become comfortable because they are familiar, and they become so ingrained that we continue to do them even when they no longer serve us, or if we no longer like them or want to do them.

They say that nature abhors a vacuum and I think that it is human nature to fill up our space – whether that space be physical, emotional, or temporal – with stuff. But happiness and meaning will never be found as a part of this process.

In fact, the only thing that seems to consistently help people to feel more fulfilled is to willingly clear out some of this “stuff” (whether that be material things, time commitments, habitual behaviors or feelings) to make space for more meaningful activities and relationships.

Anyone who has spent any time meditating knows how difficult this can be to do. The mind wanders, thoughts trigger feelings, and we’re off on a story of our own making. But being able to recognize this process, and bring the mind back to the breath, can be a tremendous relief.

One tradition of Tibetan Buddhism recommends starting a meditation session with a prayer that begins, “I take refuge in the Buddhas (the enlightened ones), the Dharma (the teachings), and the Sangha (the spiritual community)…” I like to think of meditation as refuge. It should be restful to let all of our thoughts fall away for a while, and it is, when we are successful at it. But sometimes it feels like a struggle to get there.

In trying to change some undesirable habits, I’m discovering that I no longer actually get much pleasure out of doing things like drinking coffee in the morning or alcohol in the evening. These are simply the things that I do to fill up those particular time-spaces, and while it feels uncomfortable to think about letting go of these rituals that no longer serve me, I suspect that the result would be a greater sense of freedom and well-being.

I’m beginning to suspect that the only way to have the satisfaction of being enough is actually to do less, not more. Perhaps we can take refuge in our unstructured time, and our freedom from compulsive behavior in the same way that we take refuge in the breath when we meditate.

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The Discomfort of Change

mdanys danys lithuania 1595637 l 300x252 The Discomfort of Change
photo by mdanys

I mentioned in a previous post that I am participating in the Zen Habits Sea Change Program. In a recent webinar (and blog post) Leo Babauta talked about discomfort in regards to procrastination.

His theory is basically that people generally procrastinate in order to avoid discomfort – whether that be the discomfort of starting a tast that is difficult, boring, overwhelming, etc. – and that we tend to seek out activities that are more comfortable (even if they are not more productive or fulfilling) to distract us from the discomfort of the activity we are avoiding.

The logical solution to this problem then becomes learning to get comfortable with the feeling of discomfort. This will allow us to approach the important tasks that we have been avoiding, which often become more comfortable the more that we do them.

I don’t really have much of a problem with procrastination, but it occurred to me that this theory might hold true for any habitual behavior.

When we develop a habit, the habitual behavior becomes, by definition, comfortable. Unfortunately, many of the habitual behaviors that provide emotional comfort to us may not be particularly healthy for us in the long run.

Take eating habits, for example. If we are in the habit of drinking coffee in the morning, that behavior feels comfortable and appropriate for us to do when we wake up, even if we begin to develop acid reflux as a result.

Avoiding coffee in the morning, or replacing coffee with herbal tea will feel uncomfortable, and we will want to avoid that feeling of discomfort by going back to our old habit. If we are able to stick with the feeling of discomfort long enough to develop a new, healthier habit, however, it will benefit our health in the long run.

This is not rocket science, but I think there’s something powerful in the notion of learning to get comfortable with the feeling of discomfort while you are in transition to a new behavior. Becoming aware of the feeling of discomfort and recognizing it for what it is, may be the difference between sticking with the change that you are trying to make or giving up in frustration.

The practice of mindfulness may be key in bringing about this kind of change. Learning to notice feelings of discomfort, and recognizing them for what they are, can eliminate the internal struggle that often accompanies changing a habit or developing a new one.

Mindful awareness will not eliminate the discomfort from the process, but it can make us aware that a feeling of discomfort is actually a sign that we are making progress towards the change that we are trying to make. We can then view our discomfort as a cause for hope (if not celebration) rather than something to be avoided at all costs.

As we learn to be more comfortable with the discomfort of change, the new behavior becomes more familiar, and thus more comfortable, and in the end we have the satisfaction of accomplishing the goal that we set out to meet. Yippee!

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A Mother, By Any Other Name…

IMG 230x300 A Mother, By Any Other Name...My mother always makes a big deal out of being a mother. She is a mother with a capital M. In fact, she considers it a sign of disrespect to spell mother or mom without a capital M. Even now, my pinky is automatically reaching for the caps lock key when I write those words.

I remember reading a young adult book when I was in junior high and the main character was a teenager who called her parents by their first names. I loved that idea and decided that I would do the same thing when I had children.

When my own children were born, I told my husband that I wanted them to call me Renée. He dismissed the idea immediately, saying that every kid deserves to have a mom. The way that he said it, I didn’t hear a capital M, so I went along with it.

Sometimes I regret that decision. My six-year old is needy… needier than she needs to be. I hear “Mommy…” in a whiny voice dozens of times per day. It kind of grates on me. Sometimes I’m tempted to count how many times she says “Mommy…” in the morning before she goes to school. I’ve never allowed myself to do so, because it seems petty, and ungrateful, but it does get on my nerves.

Strangely, I love it when my older daughter calls me “Mommy,” however. And she still does, even at eight going on sixteen. I especially like it when she calls me on the phone and I hear that rounded oh sound when she says, “Um, Mommy?” before telling me what she’s calling about. She has always been very independent, and I know she won’t be calling me “Mommy” for long.

When she was born, we had some friends who had a son who was a couple of years older than her. One night we went to their house and there was another couple there whose kids were even older. The older boys were calling their father “Dad,” and Nat started doing it, too.

“Did you hear that?” said our friend, Mark. My husband and I looked at each other blankly.

“Hear what?” we said.

“Nat just called me Dad.” said Mark.

“What does he usually call you?” I asked.

“Daddy,” said Mark, with a sad smile.

My husband and I shot each other another look. From our vantage point, as the parents of a newborn, there wasn’t much difference between “Daddy” and “Dad.”

Now, I get it, however. And I have to admit that it will be sad when I’m not a “Mommy” anymore… even though it will be good for our youngest daughter to be a little more independent.

When I was breastfeeding our oldest, a friend with grown children told me that she still got the sensation of a milk letdown sometimes when she heard babies cry. I was astonished to think that that kind of biological response could continue beyond the point that it was useful. But it’s hard to imagine ever being in a department store and not turning around when a young voice calls out, “Mommy.”

For me the name has nothing to do with respect and everything to do with love. I know that I haven’t earned the title, but I’ve been so blessed to receive it as a gift.

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New Year’s Resolutions

Faded exercise sign 256x300 New Years Resolutions
photo by Nick MacNeill

With the start of a new year, we’ve all heard a lot of talk about new year’s resolutions lately. This year, I’ve also noticed a lot of talk about why resolutions don’t work, and what we should do instead.

I like Rosie Molinary’s suggestion of choosing one word to focus our intention for the year, and using that word to keep us accountable to our life vision whenever we have a tough decision to make by making whatever choice would move us closer to that goal.

My word for 2013 is action because I’ve spent much of the past two years reading about how to make changes that would result in more happiness and well-being, but not enough time actually acting on some of those changes.

To be fair, I actually have done quite a lot, and perhaps it would be best to start the practice of setting an intention for the new year by reflecting on the previous year’s successes. For me, these include:

  • Structuring our family finances in such a way that we can live off of one income until I can create an income doing work that I love
  • Completing a training program that provided me with new skills and the opportunity to see if I would enjoy that type of work
  • Learning the basics of web development and design
  • Starting a personal blog and posting daily for several months
  • Taking the summer off to spend quality time with my children
  • Creating two new blogs to focus on niche interest areas

An area that I would like to improve in 2013 is physical health.

While I do cook most of my meals from scratch and buy mostly local, organic foods to cook at home, I still have a weakness for sweets, pastries, and some foods that don’t make me feel particularly well after I’ve eaten them (like coffee and chocolate). I also occasionally fall back on processed, packaged or – gasp! – even fast foods when I’m pressed for time.

And in spite of my efforts to begin an exercise program in 2012, I’ve gotten away from regular, daily, exercise and would really like to start doing that again as well. Ideally, over the course of the year, my exercise program will include aerobic and strength training, but I plan to start slowly.

One of the ways that I’m hoping to improve my odds of making positive changes in 2013 is by joining the Zen Habits Sea Change program. In addition to providing articles, webinars, and email inspiration to help members make sustainable habit changes, the program also pairs you with an “accountability team” that you check in with at least once a week to share goals, challenges, successes, etc.

This dovetails very nicely with a program I have been considering starting on The Life I Have Imagined. This program, which I will call “One Small Step” will document my progress on making one small and easy change per month to move me in the direction of, well, the life I have imagined!

I’ll share more about my ideas for the program, and how you can join in if you want to, in my next post.

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The Santa Dilemma

IMG 2234 225x300 The Santa Dilemma

Well, the kids are back to school and I’ve taken down the Christmas decorations, although we’re still working on writing thank-you notes to all of the friends and relatives who sent us holiday gifts. I suspect this may be one of the last “Santa Christmases” for my eight-year old daughter. She seems to waver between belief and skepticism depending on the circumstances and who she happens to be with.

The concept of Santa is something that I have never been particularly comfortable with as a parent. I like the magic and myth of the Santa story, but can’t quite reconcile the fact that we’re not telling our children the truth when we allow them to believe that a friendly old man is bringing them presents during the night while they sleep.

As an aspiring minimalist, I don’t like buying additional gifts that will come from Santa (in addition to those that we give our children as parents), and I don’t enjoy trying to hide them before the holiday arrives. I particularly dislike waiting for the kids to fall asleep on Christmas eve and pretending to eat Santa’s snacks, as I set up the presents under the tree, while hoping not to get caught.

Before you label me Scrooge or Grinch, I should say that I DO really like the excitement that Christmas generates in my children, the sense of wonder at the unknown, and their thrill on Christmas morning when they discover all of those packages under the Christmas tree. This year the door squeaked as I was opening it to bring the gifts down from their hiding place, and the kids said they heard Santa coming in!

Since my mother is a very generous gift-giver, we combine her gifts with Santa’s to open on Christmas morning. Every year I worry that the kids will recognize that we’ve used some of the same wrapping paper for our gifts, as Santa did for his. I also get confused about which gifts came from Santa and which gifts came from Me-Me. Under normal circumstances, this would be a dead giveaway for my clever eight-year old, but on Christmas morning, she couldn’t care less who the gifts came from, she’s so swept up in the moment.

In the weeks leading up to and following Christmas, however, it’s a different story. When our six-year old came home from school to tell us that elves had come to her classroom during recess (they left a message on the board and little treats for each child), my older daughter told her it was probably just her teachers.

On the other hand, I recently overheard her in a conversation with one of her classmates saying that she didn’t believe in the tooth fairy, but that she thought that Santa was real. (Of course, this doesn’t stop her from putting her teeth under her pillow when she loses them, however.)

At a get-together with my oldest daughter’s friends, one of them was boasting that Santa was her mom, which put me in the awkward position of having to ask her to hide the truth from my children or to allow them to have the surprise ruined for them in this careless way. (I wound up simply putting my fingers to my lips in a plea for discretion.)

The “experts” are divided on this issue. Some parents introduce Santa to their children as a fictional character from the beginning, or tell them the story of the real Saint Nicholas and how his giving spirit morphed into the Christmas traditions we celebrate today. But with Santa so pervasive in our culture, it seems a little cruel to deny your children the thrill of sitting on his lap in a department store and the excitement of the night before Christmas.

So far I’ve managed to skirt the issue by responding to questions about Santa in terms of, “That’s what people say..”

If my oldest daughter were to come straight out and ask me if Santa is real, I think I would feel comfortable telling her the truth at this point (and asking her not to spoil it for her sister). I’m tempted to talk to her about it even if she doesn’t ask, but I’d hate to be the one to kill the magic for her if she hasn’t already figured it out herself.

On the other hand, if I say nothing, her skepticism is likely to increase until she becomes the child who is telling the younger kids that she thinks that Santa is her mom, and I don’t want that to happen, either.

I’m a little bit miffed that we live in a society that forces us to choose between being truthful with our children and providing them with a widely accepted “magical” experience. There is already so much real mystery and wonder in the world, wouldn’t it be better if we found a way to talk to our children about that, and focus on family and kindness and generosity during the holidays instead?

 

 

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“I don’t want to go to school!”

IMG 17571 210x300 I dont want to go to school!

Author’s Note: This post was originally written before the tragic shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown Connecticut, so that incident was not a factor in my daughter’s school avoidance.

My six-year-old has separation anxiety. She is still not able to go to sleep without me lying with her in her bed and often comes down to climb into bed with me and my husband during the night. She’s in first grade, likes school, and has many friends, but she refuses to get out of bed on school days, claiming that she doesn’t like school, or that she has a stomachache, or both. She has been like this since pre-school, which we essentially gave up on after repeated failures. Beginning in kindergarten, I haven’t allowed her the option of staying home on school days, but even after two years, weekday mornings continue to be a struggle because of her school avoidance issues.

My older child responds well to threats of revoked privileges  but the younger one would rather forgo treats and rewards to have her way. I can sometimes coax her into getting out of bed if I offer to carry her up to her room to get dressed, and can sometimes get her to get dressed and eat breakfast if I offer to snuggle and read a book with her before school. But even though I put her to bed early enough to wake up on her own, and start telling her it’s time to get ready about 70 minutes before we have to leave the house, I’m often still hounding her to get going right up until we walk out the door.

We haven’t been late for school because of this, but there have been times that I’ve had to put her in the car in her pajamas and tell her that if she isn’t dressed by the time that we get to school, I’ll have to leave her in her pajamas. There have also been a few times that she’s been so reluctant to get into the car that I’ve had to pick her up and carry her out.

I’ve mentioned this issue to her kindergarten and first grade teachers, but neither had much in the way of suggestions for improvement, other than not to give in. I’m thinking we may have to schedule a conference with her teacher and the school counselor to see if we can get to the bottom of her anxiety and create a plan for her to learn to deal with it in such a way that she can continue to function effectively as a student.

The research on school avoidance and reluctance indicates that up to twenty percent of children experience it at some point in their lives. They attribute the following causes: avoidance of an unpleasant situation at school, anxiety over social interactions or school performance, attention-seeking through tantrums, and a desire to stay home to do something more “fun” than school. [Of course, incidents of school violence can also lead children to fear attending school.]

In my daughter’s case, I think she simply would prefer to be with me. She has always been extremely affectionate, stroking my face from the time she was an infant, and frequently hugging, kissing, and telling my husband and me that she loves us. This is one of the things that I love about her, actually. Neither I, nor my husband, or our other daughter are particularly touchy-feely and I find it to be a fascinating and endearing trait in our youngest.

Maybe she simply needs longer than the average child to learn to “leave the nest.” Perhaps I’m doing more harm than good by consistently pushing her out into the wild world when she craves the security of her mother’s arms. I try to be consistent and firm in my insistence that she get out of bed and get ready for school, and get out of the car when we get there, and she does seem to do well once I’m gone. But I’m haunted by the image of her reaching out her arms and pleading “uppie” when I try to put her down and make her go away.

Some of my friends homeschool.  I admire their desire to strengthen their family relationships and to devote themselves to their children’s learning. And since I work from home it is a possibility that we could actually consider. My own education was pretty thorough and I feel confident that I could teach them just as well (if not better) than most of their teachers at school.

The thing is, I don’t really want to homeschool  I treasure the hours when my children are in school to work on my own projects. And my younger child, in particular, is probably not the best candidate for homeschooling. Her affectionate nature makes her love social interactions, and she tends to be a little distracted. It’s hard enough to get her to sit down and do her homework after school without thinking of trying to get her to focus on lessons at home all day. I think the stimulation of the classroom actually works in her favor.

So for now, I guess we’ll continue to try to find incentives that work for her, and consider meeting with her teacher and the school counselor if this continues to be a problem. If any of you have any suggestions on how to deal with a child who is reluctant to go to school, please share. I’m all ears.

Postscript: My husband suggested that we allow our daughter to decide what the consequences will be if she refuses to get up and get ready for school in the morning. She decided that she should go without dessert for two days. This morning, we had no trouble, but it was also my husband’s day off, and he remained in bed playing with her until she was ready to get up. We’ll see how it goes next week.

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What I Did During My Summer Vacation

weDad and fam 300x200 What I Did During My Summer VacationI know; I recognize the irony. It is a week before Christmas and I’m just getting around to telling you what I did during my summer vacation. Here’s what happened:

I had intended to spend the summer creating a few new web sites and blogs while I sat idly by the swimming pool as my kids splashed around in the waves.

I actually wound up spending the summer being a soccer mom on steroids. The kids went to basketball camp, Irish dance camp, soccer camp, theater camp, and several library summer reading programs. We went on vacation to visit family in Massachusetts and Rhode Island, joined the pool, took swimming lessons, had play dates and sleepovers. My mother visited in August, and we celebrated our youngest daughter’s sixth birthday and shopped and prepared for first and third grades.

I cooked three meals a day all summer, constantly cleaned up, and never felt really on top of things. I checked my email and Facebook once a week or so, built a web site in exchange for a garden share, and got to take the summer off for the first time since I was in high school myself. I spent more quality time with my kids and family than I probably have in the eight years since we have had children, since it was the first time I wasn’t trying to balance a career at the same time (although I continued to work part time at the radio station throughout the summer, even increasing my hours – tune in on Sunday mornings from 6-1 MST at mtpr.org/streaming).

I had a blast.

I did not blog. I did not create the new web sites that I had hoped to create. I didn’t learn more about WordPress and web site development… until… the kids went back to school in September. So that’s what I’ve been doing for the past few months.

I took all of the book reviews off of The Life I Have Imagined and added to them to a new site called Renée’s Reads. If you like my book reviews, you can subscribe to that blog here. (It’s still a work in progress.)

I also took all of the home organization (how-to) posts out of The Life I Have Imagined and moved them over to A Place and a Time. That site is still a work in progress, as well, but I have added some new posts recently. You can subscribe to those by clicking here.

The Life I Have Imagined will continue to be my personal blog, where I share reflections about mindfulness, parenting, and living a deliberate life. I’ve updated the About Page to reflect the refined focus.

I also took my first web site coding class this summer (on rss) and have been using all that I’ve learned in developing all of these new sites. I hope to eventually build up a business of creating web sites for nonprofits and small businesses (since I know that these organizations often don’t have time to create and maintain their own sites but could greatly benefit from having one).

Since November I have also been writing children’s and young adult book reviews for The Write Question blog. The Write Question is a weekly literary program from Montana Public Radio that explores the world of writing and publishing in the western United States. I’ve been reading books to my children’s first and third grade classes and including their comments into the children’s book reviews that I post for that blog. You can subscribe to that one here.

My writing group continues to meet on Mondays, but we’ve decided to start on our own writing projects this fall, instead of continuing with random writing prompts from Old Friend from Far Away. My writing projects will likely take the form of ebooks. I’m considering a Life Organization project for A Place and a Time and a Book of Life and Life Planning resource for The Life I Have Imagined.

Since I’ll be blogging at several different sites this year, my goal is to post once a week (at each site) although I won’t be following a strict schedule. If you’re only interested in certain aspects of my blogging, the new approach should make it easier for you to pick and choose what you follow. Of course, if you love everything I write (i.e. if you are my mother), you can subscribe to them all using the links below.

I’m looking forward to being back in touch. It’s good to be back online.

Subscribe to:

The Life I Have Imagined

A Place and a Time

Renee’s Reads

The Write Question

 

 

 What I Did During My Summer Vacation

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(Non)Fiction Friday: A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller

This post has moved to Renée’s Reads.

Million Miles1 195x300 (Non)Fiction Friday: A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald MillerI didn’t think I was going to like A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller at first. Subtitled, “What I Learned While Editing My Life,” the book is a loose account of how the author begins to see his own life as story (and not a particularly good one) when he starts working with a couple of filmmakers who want to turn one of his previous memoirs into a movie.

Read the full review here. 

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The Summer I Have Imagined

Laptop Dropin 300x169 The Summer I Have Imagined
photo by gabemac

My younger daughter had her last tee ball game on Tuesday, my older daughter’s last spring soccer practice is tonight and her last game is Sunday. Next Wednesday is the last day of school, and we are officially gearing up for summer.

The girls will be doing basketball camp, soccer camp and Irish dance camp this summer. They’ll also take swimming lessons, and participate in the library’s summer reading program. We’re getting a membership to the pool as well, and will also be traveling to Massachusetts and Rhode Island for a few weeks to visit our families (and for my 25th high school reunion).

I am also launching a series of nutrition lectures at the Bitterroot Wellness Center this Saturday (call 406-370-9252 to register) so things are getting busy. I don’t think I’ll have a lot of time to blog.

Tomorrow I will publish my 55th post – I’ve written one each weekday for the past 12 weeks. I’m pretty proud of myself. I won’t be blogging daily during the summer, but I’ll check in every now and then (and will probably continue to post regular book reviews, since I certainly won’t stop reading).

My goals for the blog this summer are to spend a lot of time on the back end. I’m going to split off into three separate blogs in the fall. One will focus on organizing (like the posts I’ve been doing on What’s Not Working Wednesdays), and one will be devoted exclusively to book reviews (which I’ve been doing on Non/Fiction Fridays). I’m retiring Memoir Mondays and will continue to focus on parenting and life philosophy here at The Life I Have Imagined.

I will shoot to publish at least one post on every blog each week beginning in September. This will give readers more options to customize the type of content that they receive from me (and, of course, you’re more than welcome to subscribe to each of the blogs if you’re interested in all of my topics).

I’m hoping to spruce up my health counseling web site and focus more on the blog there as well. I also also hope to finally complete my editing web site, and I will be designing a new web site for Yourganic Farm.

I will, presumably, be doing all of this while the kids are swimming, or dancing, or playing sports, so don’t be surprised if you see me with my laptop by the pool this summer. Thanks to all of you who have followed my blog for the past few months. I wish you all the summer you’ve imagined!

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